The three-headed monster of criticism, self-judgement and fear – and how I met them head on

Today I had a revelation. 

I was out running, and suddenly my mind went; «I think I can actually do this!». This, as in have success, reach my goals, be happy. Have a great life, really.

I’ve had this thought before. However it never stuck around for long. This time it had a certain substance, unshakable, and robust. So when a sly and familiar voice whispered from a shadowy place in my mind; «I know you... this will never last». It hit a wall of defence, and fell on it's face into the moat. «Do I own my narrative now?» I wondered, and jogged on.

To explain how I reached this point, I need to take you back to 2010;

I was 24 years old and had my first encounter with IKYA; «how can I improve?» I asked eagerly. I was referring to my job as a salesperson in his company, Supernature. Perhaps I found this to be more than a job, like my life calling was to spread the gospel of superfood and clean eating. Any higher spiritual aims however, was not on my agenda.  

Yet he answered as if it was.

«Go straight to what you’re most afraid of», he said mildly, and looked at me deeply, and in a way that no human being had ever looked at me before. 

His answer puzzled me, but I rolled on as if he’d said «work on your sales pitch». 

Little did I know of the avalanche that’d been set in motion. And that in the years to come, I would oftentimes curse I’d asked, because my little bubble of comfort was quickly evaporating. 

Ambitious as I was at work, I had no idea I could go further, had IKYA not placed me in front of my fears.

What was the 24 year old me most afraid of? A whole lot of things, it turned out. But rather than jumping off cliffs, rapists or public speaking, it was pretty minor things. Like going to the gym, or taking an unfamiliar way home. Living alone. Big, loud men, especially those in suits. Physical exhaustion. Joggers and successful people. Making my own decisions, and dealing with the consequences. Skatteetaten. Deciding what to eat, without drawing an oracle card to check if «the angles approved». Dancing, alone or in a room packed with people. Not to mention sex or being naked in front of anyone. (Ugh, the shame).

Therefore, I would be confronted with my fears on a daily basis. And once seen, they could not be unseen. Suddenly it was as if all my life's surfaces was covered in spikes. There was no place to rest, hide or to just feel good for a moment. Because as my fears came forth, so did my patterns of criticism, victimization, low self esteem and sabotage. They were everywhere. Commenting, critizising and judging my every move. Trying to be Ms Brave in this environment was hard.

"Your did a 10k alright", the critic went. Dressed as a coach for the occation standing next to me, as I ran for my life on the treadmill. "But what about 20k, like that girl over there?" he said, and pointed me in the direction of what looked like a gazelle in flight. "She looks like she's going places, unlike you", he added under his voice.

But it wasn't just in the gym, or at the artschool I attended someone would follow me. The perfectionist was never off duty, it seemed. Queen of eye-rolling, it didn't matter she was sitting barely visible in the bar. There was no mistaking what she thought of my dance moves or attempts at flirting.

And in the kitchen. Always in the kitchen, at any day and at any day. "Hungry again, are we..?" The expert was skinny like a nail, and had a rather dry voice. He always took notes, and had an ability to do measurements of my body based on just half a gaze. I'd put down the three almonds, or whatever (in his terms) "healthy snack" I'd reached for. But it was too late. "You simply have no discipline", he sighed, and took a book from the shelf about healthy eating, and threw it in the trash. "You obviously don't need this anymore".

No matter the attempt I made at being Ms Brave, it would be torn apart by my patterns. Perfectionism and my misconceptions of purity and selflessness, which I'd picked up in different alternative communities, had reached a level where no human could go. Yet I kept at it, because if I did not listen to their instructions, how would I ever learn?

Until one day; I was confronted with a leftover package of cookies in the kitchen. Intensely hungry, after months of a diet consisting of more air than substance, I failed to resist.

This was the final straw. Armes crossed, taller than ever, they ganged up on me. The Judge, which was the leader of the pack and usually stayed in the shadows, took a step forward.

"Any dream, aspiration, hope or plan you've had for the future is now cancelled", he announced in a low, unassuming voice.

He continued explaining how I'd proven to the entire Universe I was a worthless piece of sh*t. Behind him the critic, perfectionist and expert pulled up their evidence. I swallowed. They had been watching everything. I was a waste of space really, and this was beyond fixing.

"Alright then", I acknowledged as I looked down at the empty package tossed on the floor, and the cookie crumbles on my shirt. Such a miserable sight. "I'll have to sit this one out, then. Just wait for it all to be over, and try not to exist». They left, and Ms Brave was no more. I fell and fell and fell, even though I was sitting quite still on the floor.

What is left when you've given up? Little attempts at fixing it perhaps. But there was no hope of mending, as I was still stuck inside the belief systems.

My second encounter with IKYA, if anyone could show me the rope out of this abyss it must be him? «There is no pause button in life» he said. Naturally, my patterns hijacked this message and turned it against me; I was failing at failing as well. "Sitting it out" was not an option, but I was as stuck as ever.

Fast forward, through a year of hiding in my bedroom, and so much binge-eating of Grey’s Anatomy and Nutella, you could feed a small African country with it. Which I felt incredibly guilty for btw. Food (the trashy kind), was a pain-killer good enough for anyone who wholeheartedly believes that life has reached its end, due to unmet expectations.

However I was about to come loose, thanks to physical pain I could not endure. My shoulders were killing me. «If I’m supposed to live like a worthless hermit to the end of my days, I refuse to do it like a hunchback». It was a first step towards light, although I had no idea.

As harsh as it might look, this is me stepping out of the shadows. After a year of hiding, I cut away the weight of old beliefs, my warrior cut, preparing me for the world I was about to re-enter.

Over a summer I had a series of Bodywork sessions with Else Mulvik. I didn't say much, yet she managed to hack me out of my limiting beliefs. Perhaps talking isn't always the best approach, as the mind can be so stuck in its own logic. I later became an IKYA Bodywork Practitioner myself (for this very reason), but that's another story.

Just after one of my last sessions, it was as if a light switched on. The evening sun hit my face softly, and somehow melted the "crime and punishment" framework I'd lived by.

"It's nothing wrong with me, it's just that I have been in the wrong". It was like I was re-entering the world, and all was new. 

To say that "from hereafter it was the fast-track to success" would be a bad lie. Having an insight is one thing, practicing it, as IKYA teaches, is the only way to make it real. But let's fast forward some more.

I continued doing things I was afraid of. First the small things, like pushing myself at the gym, for example. The critic, perfectionist and judge was still around. However this time (at least for the majority of the time), I challenged them by daring to support myself. This was especially hard every time I failed, or made a fool of myself (in their eyes or in real peoples'). And sometimes the inner victim would make that whole situation about her. With time however, it became less of a biggie. I made it a sport caricaturing the worst critizism, scenarioes or propaganda they pulled out. Sometimes I only managed for a minute or two, but lo' and behold. After a while it gave me a healthy dose of attitude and self-worth, that could not be torn down by just anybody.

I could've written a book about all the wonderful, exciting and thrilling things that happened in the following years, because life got COLOURFUL! I had no idea I’d been hordering all that creativity, force, craziness and whatnot inside! No wonder I’d been a human pressure-cooker. Letting it out gave space for more love, calm and sense of belonging, than I’d ever believed possible.

It culminated today, as I observed the the major part of me actually beliefs in me. I’m proud of the work I’ve done, but also tremendously humbled. To me it's obvious I had so much support while I was fumbling around. Even though I prayed, screamed and begged for it all to be over, or just "fixed" by someone. Luckily, I got the chance to eat my karma myself and that way actually learn. Rather than have someone clean my plate for me. There is so much more love in that.

Daily mantra singing and meditation with the IKYA crystals, as well as a gym routine, has been essential for my transformation. Not only for revelations and insights, but to make it come alive outside my head. In my experience spiritual work is hard work, but it gets less dead-serious with time. Like with my gym routine, no miracle will suddenly make you strong. But dedication and always pushing a little more, will.

knowing your self, weaknesses and patterns and all, brings perspective as well as a robust sense of calm. Besides, I’m pretty great at enjoying life and making the most of it.

Visit me at Instagram on @elisabethrelander.no